Category Archives: troll droppings

TROLLLL! In the Dungeon!!!

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This post is brought to you by Professor Quirrell:

I haven’t had too many trolls stop by here for awhile. I think the troll repellent I sprayed around my corner of The Internet must be working. Every once in awhile, though, a troll manages to squeeze through and spread hir droppings all over the place. The one I got this morning was a true work of beauty, so exquisite in its trolliness that it deserves its own exhibit in the Troll Museum.

I’ve talked before about the Embittered Troll, the Comedian Troll, and the Ironic Troll. The one I got this morning managed to exhibit qualities of all three of these species of troll and show some strains of a fourth type of troll: the Verbose Troll. See, this troll didn’t condense his bile into one soundbite or punchline. He kindly went on to yell at me for five paragraphs.

And what kind of blogger would I be if I didn’t post this gem in its entirety? This troll is brought to you by none other than a gentleman *cough* who calls himself Khal Drogo, and he left a comment on my Game of Tits post.

Paragraph 1:

“It’s amazing how this discussion has gone on for so long without anyone actually clarifying the situation with Dany and Khal Drogo. In the book, the first ”physical examination” was indeed tender and sweet as Khal Drogo seemed to feel sorry for Dany and tried to comfort her. If one reads on however, he (or she…feminists…) reads that the first sexual intercourses with the Khal in the tent are brutal, degrading and painful. Martin even writes that Dany is grateful that she can smother her cries of pain in a pillow. So actually, the series does not change a thing. So take that!”

I love the whole “he (or she…feminists…)” aside in the middle of the paragraph. I can so picture him shaking his head while saying, “feminists,” and tsk-tsking over us silly people who can’t understand fantasy and sci-fi because we’re too confused by our ladybrains. But that’s not even my favorite part of the paragraph. It’s the discussion of the Dany/Drogo sex scene that was turned into a rape scene for the show, and he is oh-so intelligently pointing out that future relations between Dany and Drogo had all sorts of problematic connotations.

Actually, he has a point there. The Dany/Drogo relationship is problematic at best. Why, oh why, has this discussion gone on so long before he stepped in with his SMARTNESS to clarify the situation for us?

Except, you know, for the fact that someone already did, on April 19:

“Rape should never be titillating and I agree that the Dany scene was grotesque. I actually went back to reread it. If you recall, while she is turned on by the foreplay, the actual sex is rough enough on her 13 year old body to make her fear it every time he comes for her after that. So, Martin had no reason to make it any more violent.”

Oh. Oops?

Well, I shouldn’t be too hard on the guy, right? After all, his point is still a valid one. Just because he presented it in a way that managed to be both condescending and extremely childish (the “so take that!” just slays me), and just because he wanted to rush to prove how intelligent he was without bothering to actually read the comments, doesn’t mean he’s a total doofus. He made one good point in there, so shouldn’t I cut him some slack?

No-can-dosville, baby doll. No-can-do…sville. We still have four paragraphs to go. Continue reading →

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Scott Adams: “Rape and cannibalism are the same thing, and you’re stupid. And probably fat.”

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If you follow the feminist blogosphere, you’re undoubtedly aware of the Scott Adams kerfluffle. Here’s the short, short version of the mini-saga: Scott Adams posted a brilliant analysis on his blog about rape and the natural instincts of men, a bunch of hysterical fat feminists overreacted and put together a whiny petition, and Scott Adams bravely and courageously cut through this swarm of stupid critics with responses that were filled with incisive wit and pithy language.

At least, that’s how Scott Adams views the situation. Others see it differently. I see a case where a popular writer created a navel-gazing blog post where he engaged in unintentional rape apologia (yes, I do believe it was unintentional), a group of survivors put together a petition, and the popular writer spent his copious amount of free time responding to each and every one of the criticisms, accusing his petitioners of slander. (At least, he started by accusing them of slander, but I guess someone told him that slander refers to spoken word and libel is the term for the written word, so he started accusing his critics of libel instead.)

I was one of the fat hysterical feminists that signed this whiny petition. As I read through Scott Adams’ responses to me and the other fat hysterical feminists that signed the whiny petition, I was struck with a realization: Scott Adams is acting like a Professional Troll! Let’s look at some of his most trollish arguments he uses to defend himself. Continue reading →

Feed the Trolls, Tuppence a Bag…

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A little over a month ago, I wrote a half-serious post encouraging readers to avoid ableist language when making fun of stupid, annoying people.  I say “half-serious” because I still have mixed feelings about the use of “crazy” and “insane” to describe people as illogical or ignorant.

Apparently, one of my trolls felt differently, because s/he helpfully commented with this:

“this post is retarded”

Even better?  This person’s name is, apparently, “hi.”  In other words, this troll was determined to insult me by describing my post as “retarded,” but didn’t want to be that mean, so made sure to greet me cheerfully with a “hi” first.

I think this troll has more in common with my Comedian Troll than my Embittered Troll.  This troll has my Comedian Troll’s similar fear of capital letters that apparently extends to a fear of punctuation.  But I feel hesitant to classify this one as another Comedian Troll.

I thought about it, and decided that this person is a subspecies within the Comedian Troll species.  This is what we call an Ironic Troll.

The Ironic Troll is similar to the Comedian Troll but a little more focused in hir attack.  The Comedian Troll I had posted an anti-feminist “joke” about my making him a “sammich” on my Easy A review – a joke that was nonsensical and making little sense.  The Ironic Troll was a little more careful.  S/he wrote a comment saying my post was “retarded” in a post that decried the use of the word “retarded.”

Ironic Troll, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this irony was intentional.  As such, I must give you some credit for keeping your trollish comment on-topic and relevant.  Well done.

HOWEVER.  If your aim was to insult me, then I am afraid you failed.

What trolls don’t seem to understand is that I am not easily offended by people who try to offend me.  I am hurt when loved ones and people I trust throw around the word “retarded” like it means nothing, even knowing that I have a brother with a disability.  Thoughtless insensitivity can offend or hurt me, or fill me with contempt.

When a troll tries to provoke me just for the sake of provoking me, though…well, I just think that’s cute.  Aww, the troll wants attention so badly.  Let me scratch hir on the head and give it a cookie!

*gives cookie*

There’s a good troll.  Enjoy that cookie and run back under your bridge so you can torture those Billy Goats Gruff a little more.

*sniffle* They grow up so fast, don’t they?  Sunrise, sunset…sunrise, sunset…

“How to Deal With Trolls” by Guest Blogger Barack Obama

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My fellow Americans,

As you no doubt have heard, I released my long form birth certificate today.  To celebrate the momentous occasion of proving for once and for all that I am a true-blooded American, Lady T contacted me and asked if I would mind writing a guest post for her blog.  She thought my way of handling Tea Party trolls was much different from her method of handling the trolls on her blog, and wanted a second opinion to give her readers.  “I want to begin a bipartisan conversation about troll management,” she wrote.

Well, as all of you know, “bipartisan” is my favorite word in the English language.  (My favorite word used to be a tie between “hope” and “change,” but “bipartisan” sounds more official and appropriate for my office.)  Honored by this request, I decided to take time out of my busy schedule to advise her readers.

My troll management method consists of three steps and is based on the following philosophy: “If you consistently reason with unreasonable people, they will eventually become reasonable, too.”

Step 1. If a troll makes an unfounded accusation, politely tell the troll he is wrong.

When Lady T received a comment from an anonymous troll calling her a “fucking slut,” she wrote a column poking holes into his argument and mocking him for being an illogical coward.  I admit that I laughed out loud while reading this post and even considered Tweeting it to my followers, but I changed my mind because I thought it would be irresponsible of me.  Mockery gets you nowhere when you are a public figure, especially when you are the leader of the free world.  When the Tea Party originally accused me of not being born in the United States, I told the public this accusation was incorrect.  You should all follow this example.  If a troll accuses you of something, just politely deny it, because he will eventually stop.

Step 2. If a troll demands something of you, ask him nicely to stop and gently change the subject.

Of course, the trolls don’t always stop.  Lady T’s second troll commented on a movie review and demanded that he make her a sandwich.  In response, Lady T featured him on another post, again poking holes into his argument and pointing out errors in capitalization.  I’m a stickler for grammar as much as the next Democratic president, but this response was foolhardy.  If you’re in the public figure like I am, you need to handle these situations more deftly.  When the Tea Party asked me to show my birth certificate to prove my citizenship, I simply tried changing the subject to talk about more important issues.  This will work, and eventually your trolls will stop.

Step 3. If the troll persists in making unreasonable demands, give in to said demands to prove you are the bigger person.

Of course, sometimes the trolls still don’t stop.  In this case, the Tea Party continued to demand that I show my birth certificate.  Today, I did such a thing, and emphasized the silliness of this whole affair.

Knowing Lady T as I do, she likely would have taken a different tactic.  If she were in a similar situation, she would have doctored an obviously phony birth certificate listing her parents as Genghis Khan and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, her birth date as October 32, 2081, and her birthplace as Planet Alderaan.

However, one must remember that Lady T will likely never be in this situation, even if she were to run for public office.  She is a white woman, and no Tea Partier would accuse her of being a Kenyan immigrant.  Because she is a pro-choice feminist, the Tea Party would likely accuse her of having twenty abortions and using the dead fetuses to power her home as she ran bisexual bestial Satan-worshiping orgies, but they would still accuse her of having twenty abortions and using the dead fetuses to power her home as she ran bisexual bestial Satan-worshiping orgies after being born and raised in the United States.

My situation is different, and therefore, I needed to take a different approach.  I posted my birth certificate, thus ending the need for debate.  I even took an assertive stand and told the crowd, “I have got better stuff to do.”

(I know, right?  Zing!)

Of course, some of my critics still seem to have a problem with what I did.

Some of them say that the gesture was futile, because reasonable people never doubted my American citizenship and the unreasonable people will only insist that this birth certificate is fake.

Some of them say that I indulged the Tea Partiers like a parent indulges a whiny, belligerent child who begs and begs and begs to stay up past his bedtime, and keeps asking and asking and asking until the parent gives in, saying, “But next time, when I give a bedtime, I really mean it,” and the child only learns that he will eventually get what he wants as long as he is consistent and persistent with his whining.  They think I should have said, “This accusation is ridiculous and I refuse to discuss this further,” and left it alone after that.

Some of them even say that I have inadvertently promoted a birther culture and a culture of racial profiling, where state legislatures are introducing bills that would allow police to stop people in the street and ask for proof of citizenship – because if even the President of the United States caves to the demands of racists, what’s to stop the birthers from enacting these measures against ordinary citizens?

I have heard these criticisms, I have listened to them, and I respectfully degree.

See, I mentioned before how my favorite word is “bipartisanship,” right?  Well, to paraphrase the classic romantic drama, Love Story, “Bipartisanship means never having to listen to people who supported you from the beginning.”  In order to be truly bipartisan, it is necessary to pander to those who disagree with you and resort to personal attacks.  Eventually, the American public will see you as the bigger person, and you will win in the end.

I can’t subscribe to the idea that reasoning with unreasonable people is a futile gesture.  I still believe in hope and change.  These Tea Partiers will eventually change, come around, and vote for me as long as I continue to make concessions.

And as for those of you who voted for me in 2008 and accuse me of “bipartisaning myself” into losing my base…well, let’s be honest.  Who else are you going to vote for in 2012?

You all have a good evening.

Sincerely,

President Barack “Who-ssein?” Obama

Another Troll? How Droll!

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I had my first official troll on April 11th.  A brave, anonymous commenter called me a “fucking slut” because I criticized Judd Apatow as a writer and filmmaker.  A few days ago, another brave commenter decided to weigh in on my review of Easy A.

On a post three months old, he wrote the following statement:

“hey, i’ve been waiting on my sammich for like an hour. the fuck?”

And I realized that I needed to further explain my definition of “troll.”

A troll is someone who posts on a blog or message board for the sole purpose of being inflammatory.  But the “troll” tag is a genus and I failed to define the species within that genus.  Let me elaborate to avoid confusion in the future.  Continue reading →

I Love the Smell of Troll Droppings in the Morning…

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Troll (n): one who posts a deliberately provocative message to a newsgroup or message board with the intention of causing maximum disruption and argument.  [Source: Urbandictionary.com].

I got my first troll dropping today.  In response to my recent post about Judd Apatow’s films (my post with the most site hits so far), a troll kindly left the following comment:

“Boo hoo hooo. Apatow actually makes funny shit rather than pandering to you fucking sluts. Cry more.”

I deleted the original comment because I felt it would detract from the original post, like a big stinky turd in the middle of the carpet on a living room floor.  But I had to re-post it for posterity’s sake.  Like a baby’s first shoes, I felt that my first troll dropping should be bronzed.  Continue reading →